Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
