I am in a vortex of obligation.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
