Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
