i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
the raccoons are back...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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