I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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