i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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