Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
