she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
People in love make me want to vomit
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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