Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
