theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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