i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
