Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
