I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
