i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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