party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
