god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
