Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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