I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
