Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
