I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
