all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
