Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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