Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
