The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
