yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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