I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
