I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
