This is not my ceiling
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Randomize
