I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
