you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
