The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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