I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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