he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
