Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
