since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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