I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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