Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
