There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
