did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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