She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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