i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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