cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
