all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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