So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
