Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I have post one night stand depression
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