How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
