i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
