i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
