He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
