Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
